Hi, I haven’t done self-forgiveness outloud, which is something I should have done. But honestly I have never being more of aware of my fear like I have been today. And that’s something to be recognized. I hope I have more chances of being aware of this because I want to overcome it, by breathing, being committed, and saying with my own sound what I want to say.
I was saying the vegetables I want to the guy at the supermarket. I had been all the day fine with no thoughts. But something got triggered in me when I had to talk to this man to say my vegetables. And it is what I feel with some people. Like the colapse of two world’s, like if two different worlds were crushing into each other. I recognize what this guy from the supermarket was feeling, he has a mind, he doesn’t know who he is, and he speaks the only way he thinks he knows how to speak. And I think there is something honourable in that, there is something to be recognized when someone even besides everything, it is there giving his two cents. And so, he talks, producing his own sound: Hi, what do you want?. And then I have to answer and lead this situación to introduce him to the vegetables I am interested in. And it is not simple situation as it may seem, because I know the moment I speak he is going to recognize my sound and it is going to resonate with him, he will know who I am in one moment and probably see himself reflected. This is what I am truly afraid of, this is what causes me the anxiety of preferring to fake my sound, or ‘half try’ to produce it and then result in anxiety and pain. But I mean, I no longer have a choice. I am who I am, I am aware of my breathing, because I am, and I am hoping I can improve interactions like this in the future, because I can’t live in two world’s, and I have made my decision to be committed to who I really am, because the rest is fake. As simple as that.
So I feel lighter now I really needed to make myself clear about this situation that happened to me today. It was a simple scenario, but my entire being was there, and I will keep working to make sure my mind does not take over.
So also, what I want to share is how the memory is stored in my body and my mind and I believe I have fear with absolutely no basis for it. The only basis for it is memory, associations, and a lack of clarity. And I want to live, so next time I will go deeper, I will explore who I am apart from memory, I will live the situation, I will live myself and create my own sound, and I hope this empowers me to realize that I am the one breathing inside myself, and this grants me the possibility of expressing myself in this life.