Day 3 – Second time dealing with fear

Where does this fear come from? Before being borned, I remembered having the experience of being universal with everything, meaning, I knew that everybody had walked through the door I was walking and everybody had seen the same than me. So, then after that, I thought to myself, oh it’s been a while since I didn’t see this, this must be god, I’ll explore god because I always try and I want to explore god. Then somehow I was convinced to reincarnate. And in the last moment I thought, okay I just saw what I just agreed with by starting this reincarnation, they did it again to me, I know it is a lie, I am being fooled. Then as I grew up I didn’t let my mind integrate in me. Many things happened when I was a child, it was the best time of my life, but it came a point where I just gave up. As I grew older things starting falling apart, not only becuase I myself felt apart and I almost forgot what I knew it was true, but my physical life fell apart, my parents divorced, school was hell, I had fights with people, and I started cring. Then I took this fear, this fear of being different, of somehow knowing things are not what they seem, and I just developed it. It has been with me my whole life, the fear of not having a real sound, having to fake it like everyone else, and also being bad at it lol.

Today I was buying food, with awareness, as I did yesterday. Yesterday I was very aware of my fear, and how I knew my sound would affect other people, I explained it in my previous blog. So, today I did the same when I went to buy fish. I was very uncertain, but at the same time, certain of the sound I had to produce. I just knew it. Even if I was very very uncertain. And then the moment for me to talk came, and I said the fish I want. With my own sound. I am not saying it was perfect, I am not saying I did it. But somehow I managed to stay true, within my commitment, besides the fear. When I produced my sound with my voice, the women from the fish store immediately knew who I was, and that I was not faking it. We then have a small casual conversation, something very hard to sustain, but it was honestly very impressive to see how she saw my sound and she answered me in the exact same way, like if I was contagious. I am very glad this happened, even if I had much fear, and could only say thank you with my eyes when I left, something happened today at that store. Someone (me) produced a different sound, from all the same normal dead sound that it is produced daily at that store. I only noticed after I had left the store what had happened, that I had faced fear in a so brave way. And I am pretty sure I will keep making mistakes. But I am commited, and if I am fear when I speak my words it’s gonna be me as fear, I am not going to just give in, for nothing, to mean nothing for anyone or anything. And I hope I can still work on my sound, because I have really missed it.

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