Day 9 – Why a child who was abused is happy of being borned

Because I am glad it was me. I don’t know if, of being another person, I would have being able to live the live I want to live. By living the live I want to life, I support this entire world, from my children(if I so decide it in the future), to the animals, to this society, and the stars. So, maybe I would do it again, maybe I’ll some day live another life. Don’t missunderstand me, I don’t deserve it, and I don’t like when the world kills me. But this world is an interconnection, this world killed me, and this world gave me the chance to forgive myself. And I took it. So maybe it is worth it, that I go through this experience, if it counts in the end. Maybe I am glad it was in fact me, a person able to forgive myself. I am not saying that it is easy or I do it gladly, but the fact is that I won in this life. I don’t know what I’ll do in the future, but I am not spiteful, there is a problem here in this world, with this world abusing children, and I am glad it was me because I know who I am, and I am a richer person because of that. There are certain things that I see, some things which are important for me and that I pay special attention to, this is my contribution.

So, no spitefulness, no revenge, this world exists the way it does, I accept that, I am glad I was part of it, I will repeat the experience if it counts.

Day 8 – Talk

Let me talk clearly, straight to you. Yourself is a place that you don’t sell, you don’t lie, you don’t manipulate, you don’t control, you don’t direct. This is if you want to live, like a tree lives, in the same joy. You choose what you want to dedicate your life to. I’ve lived very much, too much for my age, I’ve read a lot, I’ve applied many tools, I kind of started around 17 years old to take a look into spirituality, so it has been a long journey since then. And this is just what I have found, nothing.

When you think about nothing, keep in mind the following. If you are to choose this path, or in others words… If by chance you happen to see who you are and this path leads you to nothing, I am going to tell you what I think, which you probably already know (because it’s just here). Sometimes you may feel that you are giving up too much, or that you are losing something, I recognize this feeling of feeling like you are going to lose your life, the most precious life of you. But remember something, when you act in this world you act for yourself, and this is the proof to know that you will not lose yourself in the future. If you act honest now, the next moment you will be fine. So, don’t be afraid to follow yourself, fast, brave, and alone. Always wonder about why things exist the way they exist, keep that in mind because that is the way for a clear vision. Look for your own contradictions, the parts of you that seem to fit you… But in the end somehow doesn’t seem quite so. So, walk your path. Just walk it, and we will meet at the end of this path. Don’t be afraid of remainding yourself why you are doing it, because it is in here that you will find your purpose. But listen, the truth about life is that it exists without a purpose, it exists only for you to live it. So, support yourself with a reason to walk this process, remind yourself something so beautiful that you could not concibe, in a dream that you used to have when you were a child and dreamt alone about this life, and you soon lost something, but yet you reminded yourself this beauty, this fire, this image, something truly important for you. Remind this to yourself, and in the end, let go of it. It was just a dream, one that you created, it’s now gone. You are free to life your life, you. This is what gives purpose to your life, and this is why life exist, in a contradiction between two opposites. This is why. There is no why. This is how things are. You are free!

Day 7 – Fear and fear in my voice

I have had fear from a very young age. And I’ve fed the energy very much. I don’t know exactly when it started, when I was around 5-6 years old I started feeling it, it was like if I had left a part of myself and now my evolution was with this fear.

I fed it with no responsibility, I can even say that I enjoyed it. For example playing a videogame which caused me extensive fear made it so much more funny, challenging, special, mysterious. But even if there were good qualities to it, it was always painful. Because I was like running away from something, I was torturing myself. I basically diminished myself, and then played the game of looking for myself. Not realizing that this in itself… Was really scary. We could say that this is in fact was the cause of my fear, but I don’t know, may be.

The point is that I fed this fear, this lack of control, and as with everything I have had in my life, I used it to hide myself and not participate in this world. I was a rebel from a very early age, an internal rebel we could say. Not the best one, or the smartest. But I hided myself in just a couple of places, just enough to live my own sad live. I didn’t need more, I was already lost.

I had many nightmares when I would sleep, they would always culminate in this fear attack at the end of the nightmare. Also I saw black human form shadows walking to my bed when I was a kid, they fed this fear, or my imagination did.

My mother used this fear to control me, my fother used it to posses me. The humans of this world used this fear to feed of me, and my teachers to feed their ego. I created this fear because I wanted to abuse myself, why otherwise would I have done it? If I was a kid, and I knew who I was, and then I got lost, is it my fault? I don’t know, should I take responsibility for everything? Yes. If this had been my starting point from the begining of time, nothing would have happened, I do know that for sure. We just can’t complain about other people when we are playing the same game. If you play the game, it doesn’t matter if you are winning or losing, you are part of the game.

I have allowed myself to lose control of myself, and I am to blame for that, thank god. If everything was not my responsibility… I would be in troubles! So I am glad I exist.

I have allowed people to use my fear, because I didn’t want to be responsable for myself. I could always be, but I was playing the game, so… It is such a revelation. What if I could live my life?

Now I almost cry, because I remembered the effect of this fear. This fear of being responsable for myself made me lose my voice. I almost cry again. This was the most attrocious thing I’ve done to myself, and I have done many, many terrible things. But the worst I have ever done to anyone is losing my own voice and sound. It became like this thing… That exists in a part of your dreams, too good to be true, but you know it was true… But it’s not, and dreams are not real. Dreams are for people who haven’t grown up, people who are losing, people who are not good enough. I only know one thing. Nobody, wether alive or dead, will ever take my dream away from me, because I will not allow it to be done. And nobody can take anyone else’s dreams, they just can’t. It’s how life works. You are you, they are them, trees are trees, rocks rocks. If you are someone, don’t deceive yourself into believing you are what you aren’t.  If you do that your entire life becomes meaningless. Why? Because you have allowed it! So let’s stick to what is real, let’s not make of who we already are a distant dream impossible to come true. You are so much more than who you’ve allowed yourself to become. Your sound only asks you for one thing, to listen to it, to be one with it, to not deny it, to not sell it to anyone, to not abuse it, to not lie to it. And if you stick to your sound… You can do what you want with it! It is who you are. Remember that you can not lose yourself, you can only deceive yourself into believing you are something you are not, but who you are is always you, that why you exist! There is nothing more to it, the sky is blue, the grass green, and you are taking responsibility for yourself.

So, going back to my fear, it’s going to take me time. I have done great works, but I need to work much much more with it, with what I have done to this body, and I’m really interested, I want to see it, with no judgements. I will not let a part of me which is not genuine control me, and for that I will take responsibility for myself, in every moment, with a deep balance in what I do, a clear eyes, a relaxed heart, a brave voice, and a new day for me to wake up and live myself, and share what I have always wanted to share, self-realization, for everyone, now, and forever.

Day 6 – Feeling like I am missing the fun, and the lie of happiness

I am not going to put you in full context because it is too extensed, and as the title says this is what I’ll talk about.

When I talk about my heart, I talk about the fountain in which my energy is borned from and it expresses itself through this energy itself. My heart has always been my weak point, it’s also my father’s one. And it’s principal point of abuse, the front door in which all the play gets manifested is sex/relationships. And you, or maybe just I, I don’t know about you, are seeing a potential relationship, it’s like your heart gets connected to itself. And what it does, is basically fuck with yourself. You are literally fucking with your own heart, that’s why even if you are far away from this person, you still feeling the love when you think about that person, it’s all in your head. I don’t like it. It has some advantages, like the amounts of energy you can create. And not only that, for me it’s benefitial because it creates a god within me to direct all energy there. But listen, this god go not what it seems. Would be cool if it would be forever, but it’s not, it’s like fucking with yourself, and that’s not forever, it feels oddly wrong, that’s why it feels so good to fall in love. Love, as this “fucking with yourself”, has showed me that I should not let this within my head controll me. I don’t need a purpose to exist, I am my own purpose, doing my best for my life, supporting my energy, and taking care of it. I have only the desire of the relationship because I don’t give my 100% in my life, and this is what really fucks me up. And also, as I said, you can only fuck with yourself for so long, it will eventually run out of energy and you will be left in the desert, with a broken heart, full of lies, still addicted, and still believing in the lie called love.

It doesn’t matter how real it feels, it has no justification. It has no reason to exist. It is the manifestation itself of abuse; a real way to fuck with yourself. This all my sound nasty, but it is what I have seen within myself. I want to be my best me, for all the mes within me, and fucking with my own heart fucks me up. My heart is a wild beast, it needs to become something that I can live with, something that doesn’t have this power over me. Something that doesn’t feel dead, repetitive. Something which is not so tempting, so easy to do, so energic and empty of any life and hope. I need to become someone I can live with, bad this starts in my self, for myself, from this moment to the rest of the moments. I am the person who will make sure I am doing what is right.

So, it doesn’t matter how easy, real, and stronr you feel it in your heart. You just know what you are doing, you are fucking with yourself. Alone. In your head. With yourself. It’s very nasty if you think about it. And we call it being in love. The easiest thing in the world is to be in love, there is so much about it than just that.

I do this for myself. I commit myself to not abuse myself. I commit myself to learn, to grow, to see, to not do the blind eye. I commit myself to be here, in my breath, with no abuse, with no addictions, with no lies, with no hidden intentions, with no traition. I forgive myself that I have allowed this voices within myself to fuck with myself to create energy, while I know it’s not going to take me anywhere. I commit myself to remain here, within my breath, with all the tools and knowledge I have, and to see things for what they really are.

Day 5 – I am doing fine

Honestly, there is not much for me to talk about. Not because there have not been no challenges, but because a balance is taking place in my life. So sweet. With sweet I mean, that I have a commitment with myself, I am not letting myself go, I am being here for me to see the truth of this moment, see how it affects me, its consequence, and every moment I am learning something new. There for sure will be many more challenges, but majnor events are happening in my life. For example this morning I had a recording with a choir, and it has been the time I has sung the best in all my life. I was singing my truth for real in my sound while my own sound was supporting myself to set myself free, to be here and act and create and not lose or forget myself. To help others who are in trouble, to help them see they are here, to show them what this mean. I will face many challenges, but the most important step which is self-commitment I have already walked it. And I am glad I did this, it’s why I did it. It shouldn’t have taken me this longs, but I finally saw it and I am working each moment to have an inner balance. To not be against energy, but rather been one with it, expressing myself, while I have this view that I am not deceiving myself. If you focus in yourself, there is really no limit to how much you can see, you are the one deciding how commited you are to yourself, and therefore to others. I am enjoying talking with my own sound, because it’s been a long time. It’s just that I have missed it, there were apparently so many reasons to lose my sound that I thought it was worth it. And the truth, I knew it when I did it. I knew I was the one doing it, I remember seen it and this was the point I had to reveal to myself. If you lose yourself, it doesn’t matter where you search it, you will never find it.

Thanks to everybody, let’s not lose ourselves.

Day 4 – Update about my process

So this is not going to be a normal blog. First I want to say that it seems that Desteni is a place which is not right or wrong, and that is… Right.

But, despite that, let’s assume that Desteni is wrong in some points. What are my questions for myself after having applied the tools and then having stopped applied them? The following:

-Why is it that I can not stop my thoughts if I want to?

-Why is it that I have no control over the energy, as reactions, generated by trigger thoughts, within myself? Why is it that they change me?

-Why is it that my mind, alone, without discipline, as the desteny tools, will simply look for the easiest way to empty me of substance by creating energy? Is this the only way to live?

-Why is it that without the Desteny tools I can’t seem to guide my own energy when I express myself, and instead I just generate as much as possible as quickly as possible to apparently ‘live’?

My conclusion is that there is something fundamentally wrong in the way I have come to exist. And I must find a way in which I can express myself, while I am the directive principle. And not what I do, which is using energy as a trigger point to just have energy in the end, which is what I do even if I apparently have ‘honest thoughts’ in the process.

I commit myself to keep applying the tools for the mind provided by Desteni, but without falling into a trap where I run away from my mind to not face my mind and feel like I am already free. When in fact there is so much work to do. I commit myself to follow what is real within my own individual experience, and I commit myself to connect Desteni with that, where Desteni becomes a guide for my own individual process, which is what it should have been from the start, instead of making my it my live saving point. I commit myself to see what my mind is really made of, which is, seeing it for what is it instead of inside a right or wrong equation, and within this I commit myself to not judge me, to not react to myself as much as I can each day, and to keep applying tools which by themselves are neutral and I will have to be tested for myself to find out if they are for me or not.

I commit myself to see the truth, and from this point express my own self, instead of justifying everything with energy, as I do if left alone without discipline, because it apparently makes me more than myself, when in fact who I am goes anywhere, and in the process I haven’t even expressed myself. Instead, I have within myself, expressed my attachment towards energy as feelings/emotions, even if I am the only one within this whole world noticing it.

I commit myself to set free, as this neutral point I have found within myself that only sees the truth, these mind systems which only purpose is to direct myself into the creation of energy for me to apparently live, while meanwhile, nothing happens.

Day 3 – Second time dealing with fear

Where does this fear come from? Before being borned, I remembered having the experience of being universal with everything, meaning, I knew that everybody had walked through the door I was walking and everybody had seen the same than me. So, then after that, I thought to myself, oh it’s been a while since I didn’t see this, this must be god, I’ll explore god because I always try and I want to explore god. Then somehow I was convinced to reincarnate. And in the last moment I thought, okay I just saw what I just agreed with by starting this reincarnation, they did it again to me, I know it is a lie, I am being fooled. Then as I grew up I didn’t let my mind integrate in me. Many things happened when I was a child, it was the best time of my life, but it came a point where I just gave up. As I grew older things starting falling apart, not only becuase I myself felt apart and I almost forgot what I knew it was true, but my physical life fell apart, my parents divorced, school was hell, I had fights with people, and I started cring. Then I took this fear, this fear of being different, of somehow knowing things are not what they seem, and I just developed it. It has been with me my whole life, the fear of not having a real sound, having to fake it like everyone else, and also being bad at it lol.

Today I was buying food, with awareness, as I did yesterday. Yesterday I was very aware of my fear, and how I knew my sound would affect other people, I explained it in my previous blog. So, today I did the same when I went to buy fish. I was very uncertain, but at the same time, certain of the sound I had to produce. I just knew it. Even if I was very very uncertain. And then the moment for me to talk came, and I said the fish I want. With my own sound. I am not saying it was perfect, I am not saying I did it. But somehow I managed to stay true, within my commitment, besides the fear. When I produced my sound with my voice, the women from the fish store immediately knew who I was, and that I was not faking it. We then have a small casual conversation, something very hard to sustain, but it was honestly very impressive to see how she saw my sound and she answered me in the exact same way, like if I was contagious. I am very glad this happened, even if I had much fear, and could only say thank you with my eyes when I left, something happened today at that store. Someone (me) produced a different sound, from all the same normal dead sound that it is produced daily at that store. I only noticed after I had left the store what had happened, that I had faced fear in a so brave way. And I am pretty sure I will keep making mistakes. But I am commited, and if I am fear when I speak my words it’s gonna be me as fear, I am not going to just give in, for nothing, to mean nothing for anyone or anything. And I hope I can still work on my sound, because I have really missed it.

Day 2 – Working with what is real and being committed

Hi, I haven’t done self-forgiveness outloud, which is something I should have done. But honestly I have never being more of aware of my fear like I have been today. And that’s something to be recognized. I hope I have more chances of being aware of this because I want to overcome it, by breathing, being committed, and saying with my own sound what I want to say.

I was saying the vegetables I want to the guy at the supermarket. I had been all the day fine with no thoughts. But something got triggered in me when I had to talk to this man to say my vegetables. And it is what I feel with some people. Like the colapse of two world’s, like if two different worlds were crushing into each other. I recognize what this guy from the supermarket was feeling, he has a mind, he doesn’t know who he is, and he speaks the only way he thinks he knows how to speak. And I think there is something honourable in that, there is something to be recognized when someone even besides everything, it is there giving his two cents. And so, he talks, producing his own sound: Hi, what do you want?. And then I have to answer and lead this situación to introduce him to the vegetables I am interested in. And it is not simple situation as it may seem, because I know the moment I speak he is going to recognize my sound and it is going to resonate with him, he will know who I am in one moment and probably see himself reflected. This is what I am truly afraid of, this is what causes me the anxiety of preferring to fake my sound, or ‘half try’ to produce it and then result in anxiety and pain. But I mean, I no longer have a choice. I am who I am, I am aware of my breathing, because I am, and I am hoping I can improve interactions like this in the future, because I can’t live in two world’s, and I have made my decision to be committed to who I really am, because the rest is fake. As simple as that.

So I feel lighter now I really needed to make myself clear about this situation that happened to me today. It was a simple scenario, but my entire being was there, and I will keep working to make sure my mind does not take over.

So also, what I want to share is how the memory is stored in my body and my mind and I believe I have fear with absolutely no basis for it. The only basis for it is memory, associations, and a lack of clarity. And I want to live, so next time I will go deeper, I will explore who I am apart from memory, I will live the situation, I will live myself and create my own sound, and I hope this empowers me to realize that I am the one breathing inside myself, and this grants me the possibility of expressing myself in this life.


Day 1 – How to be myself

Hi, this is my new blog. Thanks for joining me, I am starting something new in my life, and I am glad you want to be a part of it.

I want to write about what comes to my mind. I don’t know why I have never noticed that I don’t really need energy to exist. You know, before you notice you are already there, and you start getting further and further away from the truth. I don’t know if I would have realized this without Eqafe or Desteni I process. I don’t know why I haven’t been the one to say, hey, please, let’s look at what’s going on here. And that makes me feel bad, what is wrong with me? But I don’t have all the answers, I am just here, and I know that we as beings don’t need energy. Energy makes you feel energy and then you desire more and so on, it’s a cycle. I can’t tell you why I haven’t realized this by myself, it is hard for me, but I can tell you what I am doing it and how I am doing it.

You are there, yourself, you exist, and then you can enter this world of energy where you enter a polarity and you get further and further away from the truth. It’s all explained in Eqafe, I am just sharing what I am going through. So this energy is a hell in itself, because it takes you nowhere, literally, and that is not desirable, for anyone. And that itself is connected to the rest of this physical manifested world and money and etc.

So, I am choosing to stop the energy. Just to be myself, who I already am. In every part of me. I am realizing this now, since I haven’t been able to realize this before. I am supporting myself to simply stop all the reactions, and I already feel changed. I feel good, but good for real. It remembers me to when I was a child and I was just in the car watching through the window and just being there. I have missed that. I am committed to live my own life. I will get this done, and see what’s in there. Which in fact, it is just me. I have lost many time. And I want to somehow make things right by simply getting this done. Just done, and nothing more. I will have many challenges, I probably have a long way to go, since barely one or two days ago I was feeding all these energies. But I know what I am capable of, I know I am here, and I can understand myself and how I have to move myself within myself, I understand this in me so I have no more excuses.

It has been hard for me to accept that is possible, because sometimes I felt like it was too much, too much energy, too easy to be followed. But I have to recognize one quality I have. When I make mistakes, I try to see the entire truth of them. I may, in fact, make the mistake. But for one moment, I see what I cannot deny. I have always done that because I don’t like when things do not fit, things are made to fit and make sense together. So when I make mistakes, mistakes that I know I want to do, I always say to myself, hey look at what you are about to do and remember it.

And then I do it anyway (at least this is the way it has been), but I can’t deny what I saw for one moment, it sticks in me, for my own good. This is what makes sense for me, I just haven’t believed in myself. I don’t like this world, honestly, but I also see what this world can be. And first and foremost I have to be myself. So I am glad I am doing this, and I wish you the best aswell.