Day 7 – Fear and fear in my voice

I have had fear from a very young age. And I’ve fed the energy very much. I don’t know exactly when it started, when I was around 5-6 years old I started feeling it, it was like if I had left a part of myself and now my evolution was with this fear.

I fed it with no responsibility, I can even say that I enjoyed it. For example playing a videogame which caused me extensive fear made it so much more funny, challenging, special, mysterious. But even if there were good qualities to it, it was always painful. Because I was like running away from something, I was torturing myself. I basically diminished myself, and then played the game of looking for myself. Not realizing that this in itself… Was really scary. We could say that this is in fact was the cause of my fear, but I don’t know, may be.

The point is that I fed this fear, this lack of control, and as with everything I have had in my life, I used it to hide myself and not participate in this world. I was a rebel from a very early age, an internal rebel we could say. Not the best one, or the smartest. But I hided myself in just a couple of places, just enough to live my own sad live. I didn’t need more, I was already lost.

I had many nightmares when I would sleep, they would always culminate in this fear attack at the end of the nightmare. Also I saw black human form shadows walking to my bed when I was a kid, they fed this fear, or my imagination did.

My mother used this fear to control me, my fother used it to posses me. The humans of this world used this fear to feed of me, and my teachers to feed their ego. I created this fear because I wanted to abuse myself, why otherwise would I have done it? If I was a kid, and I knew who I was, and then I got lost, is it my fault? I don’t know, should I take responsibility for everything? Yes. If this had been my starting point from the begining of time, nothing would have happened, I do know that for sure. We just can’t complain about other people when we are playing the same game. If you play the game, it doesn’t matter if you are winning or losing, you are part of the game.

I have allowed myself to lose control of myself, and I am to blame for that, thank god. If everything was not my responsibility… I would be in troubles! So I am glad I exist.

I have allowed people to use my fear, because I didn’t want to be responsable for myself. I could always be, but I was playing the game, so… It is such a revelation. What if I could live my life?

Now I almost cry, because I remembered the effect of this fear. This fear of being responsable for myself made me lose my voice. I almost cry again. This was the most attrocious thing I’ve done to myself, and I have done many, many terrible things. But the worst I have ever done to anyone is losing my own voice and sound. It became like this thing… That exists in a part of your dreams, too good to be true, but you know it was true… But it’s not, and dreams are not real. Dreams are for people who haven’t grown up, people who are losing, people who are not good enough. I only know one thing. Nobody, wether alive or dead, will ever take my dream away from me, because I will not allow it to be done. And nobody can take anyone else’s dreams, they just can’t. It’s how life works. You are you, they are them, trees are trees, rocks rocks. If you are someone, don’t deceive yourself into believing you are what you aren’t.  If you do that your entire life becomes meaningless. Why? Because you have allowed it! So let’s stick to what is real, let’s not make of who we already are a distant dream impossible to come true. You are so much more than who you’ve allowed yourself to become. Your sound only asks you for one thing, to listen to it, to be one with it, to not deny it, to not sell it to anyone, to not abuse it, to not lie to it. And if you stick to your sound… You can do what you want with it! It is who you are. Remember that you can not lose yourself, you can only deceive yourself into believing you are something you are not, but who you are is always you, that why you exist! There is nothing more to it, the sky is blue, the grass green, and you are taking responsibility for yourself.

So, going back to my fear, it’s going to take me time. I have done great works, but I need to work much much more with it, with what I have done to this body, and I’m really interested, I want to see it, with no judgements. I will not let a part of me which is not genuine control me, and for that I will take responsibility for myself, in every moment, with a deep balance in what I do, a clear eyes, a relaxed heart, a brave voice, and a new day for me to wake up and live myself, and share what I have always wanted to share, self-realization, for everyone, now, and forever.

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