I am not going to put you in full context because it is too extensed, and as the title says this is what I’ll talk about.
When I talk about my heart, I talk about the fountain in which my energy is borned from and it expresses itself through this energy itself. My heart has always been my weak point, it’s also my father’s one. And it’s principal point of abuse, the front door in which all the play gets manifested is sex/relationships. And you, or maybe just I, I don’t know about you, are seeing a potential relationship, it’s like your heart gets connected to itself. And what it does, is basically fuck with yourself. You are literally fucking with your own heart, that’s why even if you are far away from this person, you still feeling the love when you think about that person, it’s all in your head. I don’t like it. It has some advantages, like the amounts of energy you can create. And not only that, for me it’s benefitial because it creates a god within me to direct all energy there. But listen, this god go not what it seems. Would be cool if it would be forever, but it’s not, it’s like fucking with yourself, and that’s not forever, it feels oddly wrong, that’s why it feels so good to fall in love. Love, as this “fucking with yourself”, has showed me that I should not let this within my head controll me. I don’t need a purpose to exist, I am my own purpose, doing my best for my life, supporting my energy, and taking care of it. I have only the desire of the relationship because I don’t give my 100% in my life, and this is what really fucks me up. And also, as I said, you can only fuck with yourself for so long, it will eventually run out of energy and you will be left in the desert, with a broken heart, full of lies, still addicted, and still believing in the lie called love.
It doesn’t matter how real it feels, it has no justification. It has no reason to exist. It is the manifestation itself of abuse; a real way to fuck with yourself. This all my sound nasty, but it is what I have seen within myself. I want to be my best me, for all the mes within me, and fucking with my own heart fucks me up. My heart is a wild beast, it needs to become something that I can live with, something that doesn’t have this power over me. Something that doesn’t feel dead, repetitive. Something which is not so tempting, so easy to do, so energic and empty of any life and hope. I need to become someone I can live with, bad this starts in my self, for myself, from this moment to the rest of the moments. I am the person who will make sure I am doing what is right.
So, it doesn’t matter how easy, real, and stronr you feel it in your heart. You just know what you are doing, you are fucking with yourself. Alone. In your head. With yourself. It’s very nasty if you think about it. And we call it being in love. The easiest thing in the world is to be in love, there is so much about it than just that.
I do this for myself. I commit myself to not abuse myself. I commit myself to learn, to grow, to see, to not do the blind eye. I commit myself to be here, in my breath, with no abuse, with no addictions, with no lies, with no hidden intentions, with no traition. I forgive myself that I have allowed this voices within myself to fuck with myself to create energy, while I know it’s not going to take me anywhere. I commit myself to remain here, within my breath, with all the tools and knowledge I have, and to see things for what they really are.
rauljourney2life 